THE IDEAL "BAHU" ?

WHY IS IT THAT NO MATTER HOW EDUCATED OR HUMBLE THE FAMILY MAY BE, BUT THE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW OR WIFE 
THEY CHOOSE, EVEN IF SHE IS CHOSEN WITH MODERN EDUCATION, THEY STILL WANT THE WOMEN TO BE UNDER THEIR FEET?

Let me explain myself. You pick up any matrimonial advertisement, the qualities stated are a girl, with good education and well mannered, but deep 
down everyone wants a slave and highly educated perfect maid.

If you take a survey of Indian homes, in most cases all you can see, is a scene where women, whether a wife or a daughter-in-law is ill-treated in some way or the other. Their love, devotion, intimacy, affection towards the family members is overlooked. The idea of keeping women in control is prevailing in theirminds. "Bahu ya Biwi" computer age ki chahiye pur basically woh rahe purane jamane ke hisab se.

In-laws will make an issue and say "in our times men -women were not allowed to be together. We couldn't talk to each other in front of our in-laws, and see today's bahus how they giggle in front of us with their husbands! 

There are many more examples to quote. The bahu can't eat with her hubby , can't have a cup of tea even with him. All eyes are always focussed on her. By chance if the in laws didn't get the opportunity to do all this with the two older bahu's, the last or the youngest bahu is taken under charge and made the target. Now this is the bakri in our hand, to complete our desires, they think!

The whole system is so awful that it kills the spirit of marriage and the pious relationship it signifies.If you exhaust yourself totally and completely, the whole day in the kitchen, you are the ideal bahu. In olden days there was so much to do and nowadays bahu's don't want to do anything except sleeping and roaming around. This is the mentality. If the bahu or wife keeps mum, does not answer back, listening quietly, then she becomes the "ideal" bahu. But, the moment she raises her voice against all ill- things ,taunts etc. then her parents seem to have not given any sanskar to her. Everything is all too easily blamed on her family.

I have a question to ask such people. Why don't you bring a girl from orphanage (anath ashram)? She will have no parents to teach her anything, and as for the in-laws,they will have no complaints against her parents. She will also not take their son away from them.But will they do it? No! They will never do this, because there is no money in this deal!Today they want a wife for their son, who is of "computer age" but want her to behave like the "bahu" of olden days! Aren't these double standards? They want the daughter in law to forget everything about the home she grew up in: how things were in her "mayeka",how food was cooked, how they dressed and behaved etc. Is this justified? These are real facts that I am quoting. This is the ugly picture of society! How many of you agree with me? And how
many beg to differ? Let the "bahus" speak out.

- Shivangi

Your Comments

Hi, i m a sita-gita fan.married since 2 yrs.I totally agree with the view 'Unless a DIL feels welcome and loved, she cant reciprocate!' Even well educated in-laws have huge expectation fr their DIL n they completely ignore their own mis behaviour. Their bahu should the only one making sacrifices n adjusting all the way.Please, this attitute needs a change in all communties-punjabi,sindhi,bengali ...!!! Problem of expections is more acute when the DIL is a professional who comes home after a days hard work,only to ready her tired self again for the kitchen work.Even families who can afford ful time maid help wont do so as the selfish in-laws feel that its their DIL's first duty to attend to kitchen needs, her profession is only a low priority thing, n if her job makes her tired then its not their problem!! I have a very loving n caring husband n its only because of this suport that i m surviving in a joint family where in-laws though rich n educated are not understanding abt a working woman's routine.I never felt them caring towards me n the result is that i do things for them only because i m supposed to do so n not from my heart. Why there be so much partiality !! This way the DIL will never be full of affection for them.

Name : manu

Shivangi, I agree with you. Bahu should be modern but all the same she should have the sanskaars. No such condition is there for the beta or beti. But in my opinion, this mentality is deep rooted in the minds of every one of us. Look at it from this point of view - my child does something wrong, I will defend him or her, but if the same mistake is done by some other child I will sound like a critic. I will try to be fair BUT I will not defend him or her. Of course not all parents defend the mistakes of their children, but majority of them will do. But at the same time they are not toleratant of the mistakes of other children. This tendency grows with their children. When a son is married a mother wants the best companion for her child like all mothers. But the feeling that her son or daughter is superior to all others soon takes over and she tries to let down the daughter of another people who is now her DIL. She now wants that DIL should show sanskars and become an ideal bahu. In other words she should accept that she is not as good as her son and she should try to be. In my home I have seen that the son and daughter are defended even for their biggest blunders, but the bahus are not spared even a slightest trifle. Being the youngest bahu I have become the easy target for all. For example, being the youngest I should not speak in front of any one. This is not an explicit but an implicit code of conduct.Nobody will say anything if I speak in front of my elders, but it is not accepteable all the same. They will talk behind my back. Otherwise,of course, if such questions do not arise, my family is an ideal family. So all I want to say is that it is all a matter of my child and other's child full grown upto its peak.

Name : Maninder

Scene1 A showpiece who shall be presentable to the guests, A money minting machine from whose parents a fat sum of money on every festival should come, & ofcourse somebody who should be a "stand by" & "a taken for granted wife" who should be there whenever their son recquires her when all his butterflies leave him. Some husband actually leave their wives & child for 6-7 months at their parents place as they bring others in their house. Somebody who can be admonished for having given birth to a girl child. Is that all? Is that all a daughter in law is? Whose husband is scared to live with her since his mom won`t like it. Beats her even in her pregnancy since his mother thinks thats "MANLY" SH SCREAMS MAAR SALI KO-iske baap ko to main seedha karoongi-aisi bezati karwaongi ki sari umar roega. Whose father-in-law is scared to support her since his wife & so called mother-in-law will not allow him to live with him. Younger brother-in-law? well well he has to marry girl of his choice which his bhabhi does`nt approove of. & Ofcourse he has promised his mother he will get much more dowry from his wife than his bhabhi got. Scene 2 Inlaws & girl get along fine. There are some stumbles but "ek duje ka saath do aage baro", "Ek aur ek gyarah" but things can be improved, things have improved in past & will improve in future-But Why only wife, daughterinlaw, sisterinlaw has to take a positive step? C`mmon we are educated people. today`s girl are not going to die if inlaws or husband won`t support her, its her respect & cultural values that her parents have installed in her that she still feels warmly for you.

Name :xyz

I think this is a matter to be seen from both angles. I used to think that the over blown stories of MIL blues were hyped before i got married myself- but there is some truth to hat Shivangi is saying. However, i would have to fair and say that the swoord cuts both ways too. My won experience has been a wild swinging game. While my relationship with my MIL is amiable when it is from a distance, things do get nasty when things are under the same roof. And while out and out taunts and comments are few and far between, the implication of ''not quite measuring up'' is always present. The strangest thing to battle is the paradox of having smeone ''competing'' to outdo the bahu. She ooks the daal better, wouldnever serve a cold cereal meal for breakfast, would be up at the crack of dawn, and has never had the benefit of having as many gadgets to do everything. There are too many conveniences now and so if under all these privileges someone turns out a half decent meal, whozse credit is that? and whose credit is it if one gets ready made linen and other soft furnishings now, in her days she made everything herself. TO battle against an era is difficult indeed. TO be expected to go back and pretend to live in that era is even more difficult. My MIL and I do not live under the same roof. Honeslty, the distance helps keep the relationship amiable. However, the expectation of being invited to come ad stay and then to do everythign waking up at the crack of dawn, and sleepinf well into the night, remains. It is an unresolved and possibly unresolvable problem. As a family member I have also witnessed bahus turning nasty and il treating and insulting their MIL''s. Neither is pleasant. And the traffic of taunts and insults runs both ways. What amazes me is that the most balanced nd mature individuals fail to see that they tear apart the men in the family in this tussle and create a hostile atosphere at home for children. Furthermore, it also for the men in the family to take stands and lay down lines which shoudl not be stepped over. My husband and FIL have done this remarkably. My husband has defended me when unfair comments have been made regarding me, and my FIL has explained to my MIL that she should not go over the top about some things. Net net I think it is a matter of striking a balance, and moving on with things. It also helps to air out one''s grievances, preferably with friends who can listen and give balanced advice ad not feed into the fire of resentment, so that a pressure release mechanism settles and one gets on wth the rest of the time, instead of letting the inflicted wounds fester. All the best ''suffering'' bahus..Here''s hoping we''l make better MIL when our times come!

Name :Amrita

Well the basic factor is a bahu will always be a bahu. It comes as a shock when after giving your lifetime 7 everything also you are asked to leave the house where your mother in law stays since no matter what she is mother of your husband. And worst part is when your own husband in influence of "his" family is always keen to get rid of his wife whom he made to go through abortions,sacrifices,compromises always promising her future but never commiting anything just to satisfy ego of his parents. If Inlaws want & instead of making life a unending battle for the daughterinlaw eventually who nourishes the family & giving due respect to hr family, I guess all basic problems can be solved. But there must be a end to interference between life of husband & wife from mother in law & if dome conflict 1-2 years husband & wife & their children should be let to stay somewhere where they can collect their life together due to too much dominating & interfering inlaws whose thought pattern sometimes only work on taking revenges & giving punnishments. But basically it is the eventually daughterinlaw who hs to be given relief & ways &knowhow to make things work since even if "On Record her husband is living with her" in realty he either starts living back with his mother or with some other females & daughterinlaw is either eventually forced to go to her parents or live stranded. Girl does start on her own but slowly due to paternal pressure she is again forced to fall in vicious circle of compromises & sacrifices, which are not at all recquired. & Finally when inlaws are old or due to some emergency they recquire their daughterinlaw of course the turn about is made that this was all a test or a exercise to make her a stronger person. I really wish these women organisations & reform institutions sart on a very diplomatic & tactful levels some surveys & questionaires & some ways are brought about in form of regulations slowly & steadily a network will automatically come through where we women will join hands& once again a family setup can be formed which ofcourse basically husband has to be involved & has to take resposibilty of wife & child. When a child is involved there parents should never be allowed to live separately. it is astonishing to see even today that grandparents due to their malice intentions of having a male child let their son stray & don`t even allow him to be with his wife & girl child. but there are good cases too there are certain families where elders of the family still take care of the joint family system.

Name :xyz

I wish we didnt have such cruel system in marriage where daughters have to leave their "parental home" and start a fresh in place called"Inlaws house"....and both partners stayed at their own respective homes after marriage too...

Name : Aparna

Shivangi, I think you and I are sailing in the same boat. If only we could get to know each other better, we might solve the issues we are facing in our lives,

Name : Mekhala

Hi, I agree with you Sivangi. I live in Dubai and my mother-in-law had come for my delivery, it was my first delivery and before delivery i told my husband that i will need one maid to massage my baby and myself. But my mother-in-law refused for that and said she can''t see babies crying while the maids are massaging them. She said that she will massage the baby. After my delivery, when i came home from hospital,the third day of my delivery my mother-in-law told me to massage my baby and i was shocked to hear that. She is elder to me so i could not argu with her and i could not complaint to my husband because he is muma''s boy. I had to massage my baby with that painful stitches. She always wants me to do something or the other housework and if i relax for somewhile she use to make faces. If i would have been her daughter, she would have done this to me?

Name : Varsha Gandhi

Dear shivangi,I too agree with u.In my case also i feel the same ghootan.they committ to be very pleasing & understanding with me but they never accepted my freedom.they had never asked me before planning a prg. that whether i want to go or not.This is with almost all the women.

Name : Charu

Hello susilaji, it seems u are saas or nand urself for ur viwes tell ur own thinking which is very rotten. can u produce number of datas stating facts that bahus have turned down their in-laws to ashes. in-laws never mean only saas-sasoor but the whole stock of nands bhabhis jeith. u have made fun , majak of those cruel incidents where several bahus have gone through the live ashes leading to their life to be a past story. all those who think that this is a sign of insecurity where a mother has to hand over her son to a stranger(bahu) so she reacts in such cruel way to the stranger. then to tell all those that a mother of a girl shud be on higher side of insecurity when she sends her jigar ka tukda amongst to whole lot of new people though teaching her to respect love and take care of everyone. kya so many people can't take care adjust with just one ingle person introduced to the family ,is it justice to expect of her to behave in ten different moods of the whole lot? it's not the bahu who breaks up any family such a suffocating atmosphere is created where after all the limits crossed she has to give options to her hubby to choose between his family and wife. in lot----lot many families still it's such that the son is taught to keep the wife in total control of him ,not to go on his wife's tears for they may be not true and cud be the excuse for not working, keep a tight control on her so she might no go out of hand. if ur own beti is not allowed to live the way she wants to , is not allowed to talk,walk freely with her hubby how will u feel. if she is allowed to do everything as per wish u people will say what a nice people . c our damad(son-in-law) is so nice he listens to what my daughter says ,uska kitna khayal rakhta hai, koi takleef nahi hone deta. saas sasoor khabhi burabhala kahein to unhe samjhata hai pur woh sab bahu ke saath naho agar hojaye then immediate reply without a hault will come arrer humara to ladka haath se nikal gaya ,jo bahu keh de wahi karta hai, humse to uss ne humara ladka hi cheen liya, arrere ladki wale humare ladke ko to ghar jamai bana leinge. don't respect ur wife's family becoz they r to be also kept under feet. thodi akad dikhana jarori hai ,malum kaise chalega ladke(boy's side) wale hain. i can state number of cases where the girl is so much ill-treated despite of her well doing . the one who is quite behaves well is always taken as a weakling sharafat ko kamjori samajha jata hain. in my friends family this happened she was nwely married and soon after her marriage within 3 months she was pregnant and in sever winters her saas sasoor had a whole list of recipes to get cooked. she never used to be well despite of doctor's say that if extea good care wud not be taken she has to get her child aborted they used to tell her to cook different style of foods daily. her sasoor said to her u better cook food just before we r about to eat it so that it is fresh and very hot. she used to do so despite of being so unwell . she herself used to be hungry for days . many a times even couple of nights becoz after cooking never used to be in a position to eat herself if she eats everything come out in vomiting. many a times no food was left for her har! dly anything was left . above all this his devil in disguise of a human in-lwas said one day to their beloved son better send her to her maiyeke for she can't work according to them is not giving tasty food to them . when again she will be fit we will call her back on work. now can anybody who disagree with this tell me is this not a torture are they not selfish parents who r advicing son to be away from ur wife in this crucial stage when wife needs husband the most. i never say that good cultured families r not existing they do exist but fewer in number . they shud come up to set up an example in society. but c the number of those who r spoiling this pious relation just for their own sake of selfish motto. society mein rishton ka kachra ikatha hogaya hai god plz clean up the garbage no municipality can clean. why to curb the feelings of any human being. god has given this life to everyone to live happily without crushing the other under ur feet. everyone has right to live up as per ur own sweet will.

Name: Shivangi

Hi I am Chitra and my in-laws live with us as my husband is the only son. My MIL is adjustable as i am working and have to look at home and career. I too had to initially adjust a lot as my father-in-law is very traditional. My MIL being born and brought up in Mumbai understands the plight of a career oriented women. I would suggest to Shivangi that both she and her MIL have to forego their ego''s and adjust.In fact, it''s my MIL who looks after my one year old son. And as far as the saying ''two women cannot get along'' it''s all rubbish. If the Saas and Bahu wish they can be friends for life or otherwise. Lastly, it all depends on how tactfully the bahu handles everything as it''s in her hands!

Name : Chitra Arun

 I dont fully agree with what u say. now we live in a changed scenario.The m-i- law is not so bossy after all. she just wants to train you to be a perfect wife. and wat have uyou to say about all those daughter-in laws u leave the house at 9 in the morning and return late evening. who manages the house in their absence. you have come to live in a new house , you have to adjust . not the other way round. ------i beg to differ

Name : yasmeen

HE JUST WANTS A SLAVE WHO WILL DAY AND NIGHT WITHOUT ANY DEMANDS.WIFE IS JUST SLAVE AT HER HUSBANDS HANDS.HUSBAND IS MEAN AND CRUEL.THIS IS NO RELATIONSHIP,BUT HE HAS LOVE FOR ALL THE OTHER LADIES.

Name : SUSHMA

 I am sorry to write that i have had quite a different experience. I thinkgirls from the indian subcontinent first portray themselves as mother india and then once married start showing their real natures! why don,t the girls state that they are not happy to do anything at their in-laws place as they feel this work makes them maids and yet this is the same work they boasted about doing at their maike as one of the sanskars they had! making food for their old parents was a duty which incidentally their bhabis also have,yet they complain of being maids when they have to cook for their parents-in-law. when they have to accompany their inlaws to shop/hospital etc(which again their bhabis are obliged to do) they are being separated from their husbands. Yet when they have to accompany their own parents then no-one moans that i cannot go with my husband! They expect their inlaws to mind their kids etc, to provide for them. Yet they dont want to take on any burdens quoting we are ill treated! I agree many are still suffering but with the rise of old peoples homes, it does not seem that so many of these suffering bahus exist! only difference is a bahu(bechari outsider) is readily believed, who is readily going to believe inlaws that in their home a bahu is destroying their family/home?? i think bahus also need to stop thinking in terms of duties in inlaws home as punishment/burden but rather view it in terms they would with their own families/maike! so please if we think we need a change of attitude it should be from both sides!

Name : susila

Good Shivangi, you have reflected my thoughts. Rather this will be the thought of 99% of educated Indian bahus which is the reality.

Name : Mekhala

What you have stated is true in come cases, but not with everyone. I was very nicely treated as bahu and was appreciated which I do the same with my bahu. I do not believe in olden days time when bahu hasto be in the kitchen and not raise voice. If one respect the other human being whoever that person be I strongly believe the respect comes back.

Name : Khorshed Pudumjee

hi shivangi, this is what i will like to say see only a person who suffers can make the difference you have to put your foot down saying that "no bullshits allowed" but the problem comes in when we think of the after effects as what will our parents go through when they will know....everyone will be taunting your parents if you say against your inlaws injustice.at a point they will also think you are wrong. who knows down the lane you also feel that it was wrong. but stand by your decision you know everyone at heart knows you are right. men are not effected much of this it is just the women who creates a problem for the new women in the house. my community is very small things said at my inlaws place get passed by someone or the other to my parents place and they are one who have to listen to what ever they fel like saying. for that it is always better to get married in someother community so the opnions dont pass on if they say something that straight in front and then you can answer back or handle better because your husband also sees what is happening. thought it may sound good to do but....doent work in anyones life so only thing we can promise ourselfs is that when we will be in there position that time we will not give bull shit.

Name : sona

yes, exactly, i agree with you. they want a girl who does their house hold chores and don''t want her to raise the voice. if the husband speaks in favour of his wife, the mother-in-law feels as if she has taken her son away from her. she is trying to break the unity of family. she will always think negative of her bahu. the mentality is such, whether she does good or bad, complain is always there.

Name : smita

Madam, u have come out with these hidden realities. Even now how many are coming out with what they are suffering openly, enspite of burning the candle two ways. Finally, what I feel is How good or bad the wife / bahu, it all depends on her spouse as to how much safe / value she is served. I feel it is not the age old tradition / mother in laws but it is the responsibility of the the husbands, provided their maids demands / opinions are realistic.

Name : Lakshmi Rajyam

Hi Shivangi, Its sorry to know what u had gone through,probably this made u write all this. Well, its not the case in all families & everyone is not the same. Please have a positive attitude in life & find other means to achieve it. this will not only help u but also create good , healthy & loving relationship with people around you.May God give u patience , love & care. Take care.

Name : Kaiser

hey shivangi, cheer up dear! i dont think the things are tooooooo bad, just as the bahus expect a hell lot from hubby dear n in-laws, it is vice versa. now this is an another issue as to who gets a win-win situation i.e. the bahus or the in-laws! so why just spread teh negetives seeing only the one side of teh coin. cheer up the bahu gang! i think there is still hope! believe in urselves n ur partners, life would b merrier. just keep the faith n if u still feel strongly about it, the best solution would be to promise urself never to repeat the same with ur next generation of bahus when u''ll play a saas.cheers!

Name : shweta sirohi

Every woman would have been a bahu and will be one day. But this is a convneiently forgotten fact. The world may change, we go into the age of technology with great dreams and have Tsunamis devastating everything. But no, we do not change deep inside because we do not want to . We want our lives to go the way it should. The thoughts on most womens'' minds is '' I suffered and so why do I not let the other suffer too?'' This trend of thinking should change and change drastically. Every woman has a right to her life. She is an individual and as such is entitled to her opinion in many things. We teach our daughters to behave well, and speak well and tell her not to criticise anyone or anything. In short we din the quality of discipline and politeness in her. As a mother, each woman has dreams of her daughter being married into a household where she will be welcomed and thought well of for her serene qualities. In the same manner, every woman should welcome her daughter in law as well because she too comes from a home where she was showered with love and affection. There she would have learned at her Mother''s knee all the qualities that could be expected from her. If your daughter errs in her new home, your daughter in law can also err and one has to find the heart to forgive. It is more in the mental make up of the mother in law to change. This idea of the bahu being thought of as an underling is already ingrained in most of the women. Attempts with good results should be wiped out. One should see the other side of the coin as well. I am sure this ugly picture of society can be wiped out. It will take time, but surely it can be done so. Marriage which the society considers very important, should give room for the family to allow their son and daughter in law live in happiness and peace with each other. Theirs is abound that should never be tampered with.

Name : Sashikala Hariharan.

yey, to Shivangi. She couldnt have said it any better. I am a bahu myself, and now and then my mother-in-law who is been living with us for 10 yrs, who dont want to go back, give me comments, how they used to behave in their times. But when she sees me doing everything single handedly, she appreciates me more. Even when my husband suggest anything, she always says"Let''s ask Meeta, and see what she have to say" but that never bother my husband, because it is one less headache for him. By the way, I live in New York, and she came to look after my son when he was born, now he is 10 yrs old, she is still here, and she is not planning to go back, that shows I must be doing something right, because she rather stay with me, then her own daughter and son, who lives in India. All my friends cannot believe we live under the same roof, and we have not killed each other yet. Well she does help me with my son, so as long as she dont get too overpowering I dont mind.

Name : Meeta C. Roy

hai there, this is sreelakshmi again..an avid sitagita fan.thankfully, i ve been married to an educated family who dont mind me being with my hubby,and that too an only son. before getting married my parents especially my mother made me aware to expect the worst hoping for the best..and i think she was right and it worked!! atleast so far.

Name : sreelakshmi

I do think the times are changing and so are the mothers-in-law.Mothers-in-law are begining to realise that bahu''s of this age cannot be told what to do and what not do do.But i think, even if the Mothers-in-law are being more understanding and supportive of the Bahu''s, the society is the one which doenst seem to be to happy with the changing scenario!It doesnt seem to accept the fact that Sans and Bahu can actually get along!Like for instance, If a Bahu decides to visit her parents who are in the same city as her inlaws,before going to meet the inlaws, more than her inlaws, it is the society,or neighbours and relatives,to be precise, who are astonished by the act!They admonish the inlaws for letting her do that. In my opinion,the bahu''s have to be forthright about what they want to do and mothers-in-law must realise they cannot run someone else''s life.But most importantly, Society must welcome such changes and also mind their own business!

Name : Suvasini Arjun

Write your Comments :